You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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