I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
