I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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