This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
