It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
