i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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