the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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