apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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