Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
