I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
