Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I lost the right to judge tonight
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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