my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
