this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
