i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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