I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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