i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's rum buckets o'clock
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
