I puked a lego.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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