your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
