Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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