I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
