you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
May the power of my ass compel you!!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
