hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
