Your face is a jimmy john
My first STD was from a foam party
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
