I just threw up on my dentist
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
