it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
