I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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