You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
