We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
