Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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