drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
