Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
