just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
