I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I believe in your delicious
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
