so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
3pm strippers are depressing
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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