i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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