Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
