I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
