My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
