I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
