anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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