Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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