omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
