I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
