I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
