I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
