I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
