Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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