while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
