My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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