Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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