One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
