wrigley field is MILF paradise
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
