My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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