Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize