So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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