I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
