theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
