we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize