Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
