He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
