why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
