I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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