I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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