Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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