There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
