Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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