Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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